Wicked Rumination

omfg this is rediculous

2005-09-16T01:08:25Z

ok.. i'm trying to watch our "president" on tv...

i'm listening to his speech...

I swear it is the SAME goddamn speech he gave after 9-11.. just changed the words.. new your to new orleans... and smoke (from the fires) - to water... etc, etc, etc...

*runs off screaming!!!*

I'm outta here

2004-06-08T20:15:47Z

So i stopped writing in this thing a long time ago, and i've feabily tried to update but it just doesn't seem to be happening.
As of today this journal is closed... i will be starting a new one for those of you who want to read it (one i'm actually going to update like i used to). Soooo... if you care to be included let me know and i will add you to the new one once i have it set up.

Just Put A Little Twist On It

2004-02-07T11:53:32Z

The last few days have been shitty health days, i spent most of my time wrapped up with a heating pad and smoking a LOT to keep myself feeling semi-normal and taking comfort in nathan who has been the sweetest person alive during it. Today was pretty good until the later evening but an angel (named heather) gave me a lovely little pill that definitely helped dull the pain.

We went over to krissy's around 11 tonight and everyone was there... amy, krissy, kim, jorge, eddie, and of course me and nate. It was really fun... all the girls hung back in the bedroom and the guys chilled and played video games. It was nice getting to do the "girl-talk" thing, which is something i so rarely get to do.

jyni77 @ 2004-02-04T16:34:00

2004-02-04T21:34:17Z

Name: Jeannie Moody
Nicknames: Jynling, Flayme
Age: 26
Hair color: a bunch of different colors, mostly redish
Birthday: September 12th
Eye Color: Green
Siblings: 1 Sister, 3 half brothers and a step brother
Righty or lefty? righty
How do you describe yourself: lazy
What's your sign? virgo

~On Friends~
Best Friend(s): Nathan, Jeremiah, Sherry, Kathy, Khrissy, Amy, Kim,... I'm blessed with so many good friends
Friend(s) you go to for advice? all of them
Friend(s) you have the most fun with? all of them in different ways
Friend(s) your tell secrets to: nathan, Jeremiah

~On Dating~
Long or short hair? either
Dark or blond hair? dark
Tall or short? tall
6 pack or muscular arms? doesn't matter
Sensitive or Funny? funny
Dark or light eyes? green (i think it can be both light and dark but definitely green)
Hat or no hat? either
Pierced or no? either
Freckles or none? love freckles
Stubble or neatly shaved? either
Rugged outdoorsy type or sporty type? outdoors
All American, homey G, or grunge? all american or grunge
Accent or American? accents are nice but not a requirment
When was the last time you had a hickey? a while ago
Last time you kissed someone? bout 2 minutes ago, nathan
Talked to an ex? this morning
Remember your first love? yes
Still love them? not in the same way
Consider love a mistake? no
What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others? eyes
Do you kiss on the first date? yes
Been rejected? yeas
Been in love? very much so and am right now
Been kissed? duh!
Who broke your heart?
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? boyfriend

~On preferences~
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? chocolate
McDonalds or Burger King? burger king
Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? friend
Sweet or sour? sweet
Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper
Sappy/action/comedy/horror? comedy
Cats or dogs? cats
Ocean or Pool? pool
Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese? Cool Ranch
Mud or Jell-O wrestling? jell-o
With or without ice-cubes? little bit of ice
Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring? spring or fall
Vanilla or Chocolate? chocolate
Snowboarding or skiing? never done either
Cake or cookies? cookies
Cereal or toast? cereal
Gloves or mittens? gloves
Eyes open or closed? guess it depends on what you are asking about ... but closed probably
Fly or breathe under water? breath under water
Bunk-bed or waterbed? waterbed
Chewing gum or hard candy? gum
Motor boat or sailboat? moter boats
Lights on or off? off

~What's your favorite~
Number? 7
Holiday? Halloween
Radio station? none, they all suck and play the same 3 songs over and over
Place? Wrapped up in nate's arms
Flower? don't have one
Scent? cinnimon or vanilla

~WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU~
SMILED? a little bit ago
LAUGHED? just a minute ago with nathan
CRIED? last night cause my kidney problems
BOUGHT SOMETHING? bought a cute shirt last night
DANCED? it's been forever
WERE SARCASTIC? everyday
WATCHED YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? i don't have a favorite movie, but i did watch a favorite the other day
HAD A NIGHTMARE? 2 nights ago
LAST BOOK YOU READ? Daughter of the Blood, Anne Bishop - good book, reading the second one now
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW? Ever after the other night
LAST SONG YOU HEARD? uh... the fraiser theme song on tv
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK? coke
LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED? in about 10 minutes (lol)
LAST THING YOU ATE? bacon scramble breakfast pizza (yummy)

~DO YOU~
SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS? no
LIVE IN THE MOMENT? try to
HAD A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK? yes
PLAY AN INSTRUMENT? no
BELIEVE THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS? yes
READ THE NEWSPAPER? just the classifieds and rarely even that
HAVE ANY GAY OR LESBIAN FRIENDS? duh
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? yes
BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER? yes
CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS? for the most part
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL? yep
HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY? snickers
BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? yes
BELIEVE IN GOD? sorta
BELIEVE IN MAGIC? magick, yes
PRAY? rarely
GO TO CHURCH? no
HAVE ANY PETS? i have 2 cats but both are going to the ex in the divorce :-(
TALK TO STRANGERS WHO IM YOU? yes, sometimes if they aren't idiots
WEAR HATS? sometimes
HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? just my ears
HAVE ANY TATTOOS? one the whole way around my right ankle
HATE YOURSELF? sometimes
HAVE AN OBSESSION? yes
HAVE A SECRET CRUSH? no
COLLECT ANYTHING? i used to but not anymore
WISH ON STARS? yes
LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? no, it looks like chicken scratch
HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? yes, lots
CARE ABOUT LOOKS? About my own... yes... about other peoples, i couldn't care less
BELIEVE IN WITCHES? yes
BELIEVE IN SATAN? no
BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? yes

Random.
Do you like abstract art? some
Do you listen to music daily? yes
At what age did you find out that Santa Clause wasnt real? about 6
How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet? in my closet... few (they are all packed away) but in total... close to 50 pairs (i wear like 4 regularly)
Do you write poetry? yes but i suck
Do you snore? when i'm sick
Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides? depends
Which hurts the most, physical or emotional? emotional
Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed? yes
Do you prefer a piano or a violin? piano
Are you a sex addict? yes
Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? either
Do you have a middle name? marie
Are you basically a happy person? yes
Are you tired? always
Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today? coke
Have you ever met anyone off the internet? yes (louis and cliff)
How many phones do you have in your house? counting cell phones there are 4
How long is your hair? not long enough, i just got it cut again
What color of eyes do you prefer? green (they enchant me)
Are you an active person? not at all

~Have you ever~
01. Fallen for your best friend? yes
02. Made out with JUST a friend? yes
06. Used someone? no
07. Been used? yes
08. Cheated on someone? no
09. Been cheated on? i don't know
11. Done something you regret? yes

~Who was the last person~
12. You touched? Nate
13. You talked to: Nate
14. You hugged? Nate
15. You instant messaged? don't remember, i think Amy
16. You kissed? nate
17. you slept with? nate
18. You yelled at? ironically also nate
19. You laughed with? nate - do we see a pattern?

~Do you~
Color your hair? duh
Have tattoos? yep, one around my right ankle
Piercings? 4
Floss daily? no
Own a webcam? yes
Ever get off the damn computer? yes
Sprechen sie deutsche? no
Speak in english? duh
Habla espanol? no
Parle le francais? no

~Current~
Current Clothes: Sweatpants, sweatshirt... bout to get a shower
Current Music: nothing
Current Taste: weed and water
Current Hair: very messy sleep hair
Current Annoyance: my kidney's & bladder
Current Smell: weed
Current thing I ought to be doing: getting ready to go to school
Current Desktop Picture: gay wallpaper i've had forever... bluish color, moon with chicks face in it.
Current Favorite Group: like as in band - none
Current Book: Heir to the shadows - anne bishop
Current DVD In Player: none, i put my stuff away
Current Refreshment: coke and water
Current Worry: health stuff, moving out
Current Crush: none

~What do~
I SEE? lots of junk on my desk, the tv
I NEED? to go to the bathroom :-(
I WANT? to move the hell out of here NOW!!!
I WISH? i could have a day i didn't feel like shit
I LOVE? nathan
I HATE? drama
I MISS? friends
I FEAR? i'll fail
I FEEL? pain
I HEAR? commercial's on tv, some weird machine noise from next door, fan in my computer, cars driving by
I CRAVE? hehehehhehe, not answering that one.
I SEARCH? for the truth
I WONDER? if everything will work out ok
I REGRET? too personal

~ARE YOU~
Understanding: yeah
Open-minded: yes
Arrogant: sometimes
Insecure: very
Interesting: yes
Hungry: no
Friendly: yes
Smart: sometimes
Moody: sometimes
Childish: sometimes
Independent: sometimes
Hard working: depends
Organized: i'd like to be but there are boxes everwhere (ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!)
Healthy: no
Emotionally Stable: for the most part
Shy: sometimes
Difficult: sometimes
Attractive: People i know say yes, i say no
Bored Easily: yeah
Thirsty: kinda
Responsible: yes
Sad: yes
Happy: yes
Trusting: yes
Talkative: very
Original: not really
Different: i think we all think we are different, but not so much.
Unique: not really
Lonely: emotionally no, at the moment yes... i wish nate would get home :-(
Loved: very much!

jyni77 @ 2003-10-21T03:26:00

2003-10-21T07:26:29Z

*5 things you are wearing*
1. Bra
2. Thongs
3. pants
4. shirt
5. socks

*5 things you are doing right now*
1. typing
2. reading this survey outloud to Nate
3. chewing
4. breathing
5. shaking my foot back and forth

*5 things you ate in the last 24 hours*
1. Bite of Nate's stale ass doughnut
2. peanut butter cups
3. snickers
4. baked potatoe
5. jr. bacon cheeseburger

*5 things you did so far today*
1. went to class
2. Played Spades
3. laughed
4. got high
5. kissed

*5 thoughts in your head*
1. I have to study for my test
2. damn, my cig. went out
3. I wish I didn't have my period
4. wanna get stuff to make tuna melts
5. I feel like getting high again

*Favorite*
Color: green
Smell: Smell right before a storm
Book: Seasons of Passage by Christopher Pike
Person: not a good question
Sound: moaning in my ear
Band: none
Clothing article: black nightgown
Drink: coke
Restaurant: Alfred's Victorian
Food: mashed Potatoes with gravy
Shoe brand: whatever looks cute
Memory you had: I have no idea
Plant: Aloe

*Sex*
Are you a virgin?: not even
Sexual orientation: I like the cawk
Ever had anal sex?: no
Have you ever given oral sex?: hell fucking yes
Received it?: yes
Do you masturbate?: yes
Are you into, or would you be into, bondage?: light
Are you submissive or dominant?: depends on partner
What is your ultimate sexual fantasy?: little to private
Are you into public displays of affection?: sometimes
What kinky stuff do you like?: depends on what you consider kinky
Do you scratch or like being scratched?: sometimes like it and sometimes do it
How about biting?: biting is fine if done lightly, and I do bite but only if the person likes it
Are you into vampirism?: not in that way
Would you call yourself a slut?: yeah
Have other people called you a slut?: yeah
Have you ever or would you ever have sex for money?: no

*Random Questions*
Do you believe in God?: kinda
Do you believe in heaven and hell?: no
What religion are you?: agnostic
Do you stand for the national anthem?: yeah
Do you KNOW the national anthem?: yeah
Can you stand on your head?: used to be able to haven't tried it lately
What do you say most often?: like
How fast can you run?: have you seen my tits... I don't run
What time is it now?: 3:25AM

jyni77 @ 2003-10-20T03:10:00

2003-10-20T07:10:15Z

How is it that you can be sitting with someone but yet feel absolutely totally alone?

I'm sitting here with Nate and its like I can't breathe, my mind is racing over all the million things going on in my life. Then there is this added issue of him. He tried to comfort me but it just feels like a complete lie. I know that I do matter to him in a way but he acts so sweet and caring and I just wanna scream. In the long run I know I'm on borrowed time. I know that sooner or later he's gonna find someone that he wants to be with, to date, to love and I know that when that happens he will drop me like a pair of used socks. I'm just trying to decide if that is good enough for me. It's almost like I'm a substitute for what he wants because he doesn't have any better option at the moment. My head is telling me to run far far away and never look back cause I know eventually that look in his eyes won't be for me anymore, that when he reaches for someone it won't be me. It just scares me that I care. That no matter how much I try and fight it that I want to be with him. To sit in his company and just breath his scent and take comfort in him but I know that I can't. I always have to hold back in some way or another. I can't just let myself enjoy our time together.
Today he was here with his friend Jorge to pick up a controller and I was sitting on the floor of the office and he was standing in the doorway just looking at me and every fiber of my being wanted to jump up and hug him and just not let go.
God, I'm so confused.

On other fronts... school is kicking my ass... anyone here good at anatomy? Money is making me want to tear my hair out. I wanna lock myself in a room with no phone, no banks, no bills and just cry. I can't concentrate on my school work for stress over how I'm going to pay for it. Myke and I... well... I dunno. We have been fighting almost non-stop the last couple days and I don't know how to ease the tension. On top of everything else my mom goes into the hospital tomorrow cause they found a tumor on her ovary.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... any advice... words of encouragement... anything?

blah... stupid... I know.

2003-10-20T06:09:42Z

Everything a lie
your eyes tell me one thing
your touch comforts me
your words destroy me
how can I believe anything
your touch is hallow
meaning nothing
feeling your warmth
I try to break through
make myself important to you
how can you reach for me
then push me away
do I even mean anything
do you really even care?

Bored.

2003-10-18T06:00:48Z

hi
You Are a Romantic Kiss!
You are an idealist, and unsurprisingly, you give the ideal kiss
Your kiss causes almost anyone to fall in love with you
And to be honest, you need to be falling a little to let your lips loose
No biggie your kiss is worth the wait :-)
What Type of Kiss Are You?

Your Sexual Power Animal is a Penguin!
Choosy, selective, and monogamous.
Not only are you picky when it comes to sex.
You tend to stick with the same partner for a long time
And since you're so picky, it takes a lot to get you
Once you're impressed, then you'll put out
What's Your Sexual Power Animal?

jyni77 @ 2003-10-09T16:38:00

2003-10-09T20:38:41Z

I'm really sad and I need some advice... this is sorta a long conversation to post and I apologize for that.
Last night Nate and I got into this big huge "thing". I... well I dunno, I have to go to class but I need to figure out a way to cover my eyes, they are swollen from crying all night.

Flayme (2:40:37 AM): what?
PsylentNayte (2:40:40 AM): so how pissed are you really?
Flayme (2:40:46 AM): I'm not pissed
Flayme (2:40:48 AM): I'm annoyed
Flayme (2:40:55 AM): I don't like waiting on people
PsylentNayte (2:41:07 AM): im sorry, I didn't know how long it was gonna last
PsylentNayte (2:41:17 AM): we never even finished because we're all sick of playing
PsylentNayte (2:41:24 AM): the game just would not end...
PsylentNayte (2:41:29 AM): please don't be mad at me....
Flayme (2:41:52 AM): whatever it's fine, I just would have appreciated a call saying... hey um... I'm not gonna get there till late and all would have been copacetic
PsylentNayte (2:42:19 AM): *sigh* well, I really apologize...
PsylentNayte (2:42:27 AM): and I guess I'll see you when I see you..
Flayme (2:42:33 AM): if that's what you want
Flayme (2:42:37 AM): then fine
PsylentNayte (2:42:38 AM): it's not what I want
PsylentNayte (2:42:43 AM): ]but you're gonna be busy]
PsylentNayte (2:42:52 AM): stupid unnatural keyboards
Flayme (2:42:59 AM): whatever we both know I'm full of shit
Flayme (2:43:03 AM): I do have plans Friday
Flayme (2:43:09 AM): I was just mad
PsylentNayte (2:43:14 AM): that's fine...
PsylentNayte (2:43:27 AM): I mean, if you wanna go out.. please do.. but I would also love to spend the time with you
Flayme (2:43:46 AM): well I am not going anywhere Friday but jay is coming over
Flayme (2:43:50 AM): and I wanna spend alone time with him
PsylentNayte (2:43:58 AM): I just really didn't think I would be here this long
PsylentNayte (2:44:00 AM): that's cool
PsylentNayte (2:44:05 AM): I respect that
PsylentNayte (2:44:56 AM): well, sweet dreams, and again, im sorry I annoyed you....
Flayme (2:45:02 AM): so are you staying there then?
PsylentNayte (2:45:41 AM): yeah, but tonight only... unless you want me out tomorrow night all night, I can arrange that
Flayme (2:45:57 AM): huh?
PsylentNayte (2:45:59 AM): else I was gonna come back around midnight
PsylentNayte (2:46:04 AM): for time alone with jay
Flayme (2:46:10 AM): tomorrow is Thursday
PsylentNayte (2:46:15 AM): oh
PsylentNayte (2:46:18 AM): *smack*
PsylentNayte (2:46:26 AM): sorry
Flayme (2:46:52 AM): whatever
PsylentNayte (2:47:02 AM): I'll be back tomorrow afternoon
Flayme (2:47:04 AM): no
PsylentNayte (2:47:08 AM): ok
PsylentNayte (2:47:14 AM): evening?
Flayme (2:47:18 AM): unless it's to get your shit
Flayme (2:47:21 AM): I have school
Flayme (2:47:30 AM): and I have to finish stapling this shit
Flayme (2:47:35 AM): and pouring the oils and stuff
PsylentNayte (2:48:34 AM): wow, I feel really bad.. sure you don't want me to come back and help you with that stuff?
PsylentNayte (2:48:50 AM): I completely forgot :-(
Flayme (2:49:02 AM): it's fine I learned long ago I can't count on anyone but myself
PsylentNayte (2:50:33 AM): I really do feel bad
PsylentNayte (2:51:22 AM): but I'll let go.. u need the rest... and im not doin too good tonight
Flayme (2:51:27 AM): ?
Flayme (2:51:34 AM): I'm not going to go to bed for a while
Flayme (2:51:37 AM): I have shit to do
Flayme (2:52:02 AM): and im not doin too good tonight?
PsylentNayte (2:52:18 AM): at being a friend
Flayme (2:52:34 AM): I wouldn't go that far
PsylentNayte (2:52:44 AM): yeah.. I would...
Flayme (2:53:18 AM): why? It's not that huge of a deal
PsylentNayte (2:53:23 AM): it just pisses me off when I do this shit... like, I know it makes you look at me in a negative way.. and that's what I don't want.. but then again, I always do it to myself
PsylentNayte (2:53:27 AM): but I told you I would
PsylentNayte (2:53:29 AM): it's my word
PsylentNayte (2:53:36 AM): *shrug* it's how I look at it
PsylentNayte (2:53:44 AM): I always try and do the things I say im gonna
PsylentNayte (2:54:14 AM): but then sometimes I just get carried away in what's happening that I forget about the plans that I made
Flayme (2:55:52 AM): look, it's fine. I was pissed, I still am a little bit but not really. It just annoys me that... I can't think of how to put it
Flayme (2:56:14 AM): had I known you weren't coming over
Flayme (2:56:20 AM): darius wanted to come over
Flayme (2:56:33 AM): I just would appreciate a phone call is all
PsylentNayte (2:56:46 AM): yeah....:-(
Flayme (2:57:04 AM): like it's just that I said no because I figured you were coming over
Flayme (2:57:07 AM): but you didn't
PsylentNayte (2:57:14 AM): yeah, I understand
Flayme (2:58:16 AM): well, I guess I'll let you alone
PsylentNayte (2:58:38 AM): k... have a good night...
PsylentNayte (2:58:41 AM): or try
Flayme (2:58:43 AM): whatever
Flayme (2:59:00 AM): ya know what
Flayme (2:59:03 AM): come get your stuff
Flayme (2:59:08 AM): either tonight or tomorrow
PsylentNayte (2:59:17 AM): I'll be there tomorrow
Flayme (2:59:21 AM): I won't be
Flayme (2:59:29 AM): your stuff will be in a bag or box or whatever
PsylentNayte (3:00:09 AM): nm, I'll just come now...
PsylentNayte (3:00:13 AM): I'll see you in like, 145
PsylentNayte (3:00:14 AM): 14
PsylentNayte (3:00:22 AM): soon
PsylentNayte (3:00:27 AM): later
PsylentNayte signed off at 3:00:30 AM.
Flayme (3:00:30 AM): did you want me to get everything ready
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Previous message was not received by PsylentNayte because of error (3:00:31 AM): User PsylentNayte is not available.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PsylentNayte (4:15:46 AM): hey, I left milk in my car, I'll brb
PsylentNayte (4:15:55 AM): then we'll talk
PsylentNayte (4:18:18 AM): ok back
Flayme (4:18:20 AM): k
PsylentNayte (4:18:41 AM): I just didn't know what to say... or if I had anything at all to say
PsylentNayte (4:19:07 AM): I was too busy thinking
Flayme (4:19:15 AM): I don't know, I just feel like shit. Like I'm being punished for getting upset
PsylentNayte (4:19:29 AM): why do you feel that you are getting punished
PsylentNayte (4:19:43 AM): im not doing anything to make you feel that way... at least not intentionally
Flayme (4:20:03 AM): I wanted to talk to you but you just left
Flayme (4:20:11 AM): I understand you were thinking
PsylentNayte (4:20:24 AM): I didn't know... you were sitting there, I didn't know what was going through your mind...
Flayme (4:20:37 AM): I was trying not to cry
Flayme (4:20:39 AM): that's it
Flayme (4:21:25 AM): well that's not it but when you came back to get your pillow
Flayme (4:21:49 AM): that's all I was thinking about cause I was crying when I went downstairs and when I calle dyou and up till you stepped on the porch
PsylentNayte (4:22:03 AM): yeah...:-(
PsylentNayte (4:22:13 AM): you should not feel punished in any way
Flayme (4:22:54 AM): well you won't tell me what is going on, I don't know what the hell just happened, I feel like I'm losing my friend and it hurts and it's not fair and... fuck... cry...
PsylentNayte (4:24:34 AM): what do you mean I wont tell you what's going on? I mean, im just disappointed in myself, and I know you said it's no big deal... but.. it's just how I am... I feel that I've done you wrong... and don't worry, you're not gonna lose me.. I just feel that I've spent too much time over there... not that I haven't enjoyed every bit of it... but too much too fast can be overwhelming
PsylentNayte (4:24:47 AM): and I don't that to cause a problem as well
PsylentNayte (4:24:54 AM): there's just a communication problem we have...
PsylentNayte (4:25:02 AM): and if im going to continue to come over there
PsylentNayte (4:25:10 AM): you should prolly set some rules for me to go by
Flayme (4:25:15 AM): like?
PsylentNayte (4:25:20 AM): it is your house... I shouldn't be able to come and go as I please...
Flayme (4:26:11 AM): if you feel like we spend too much time together then that's fine and I can respect that but you are the one saying that, not me
PsylentNayte (4:26:22 AM): I know
PsylentNayte (4:26:46 AM): but I don't want to take the chance of one of us getting too attached or used to being around the other...
PsylentNayte (4:27:00 AM): not saying that it's a bad thing
Flayme (4:27:03 AM): then maybe we should just end it now
PsylentNayte (4:27:05 AM): but it can lead to bad things
PsylentNayte (4:27:10 AM): end what?
Flayme (4:27:14 AM): everything
PsylentNayte (4:28:03 AM): I don't want to lose what we have... and I don't want to drown it either
Flayme (4:28:10 AM): I can't control how I feel, I can't help it. I am attached to you and yes, it is in just a friend way but I'm not going to apologize or feel bad about it and maybe it's for the best if we don't spend time together cause I can't be the only one in our friendship who is attached. I've been there. It's too hard.
PsylentNayte (4:28:52 AM): I didn't say that I wasn't attached... I love spending time with you, and I look forward to coming down every time I do...
PsylentNayte (4:29:20 AM): I just don't think I should stay there for days in a row...
PsylentNayte (4:29:32 AM): like, if I came down every other day, that would be fine...
PsylentNayte (4:29:57 AM): but I don't live there, and I feel like im intruding on myke's behalf...
Flayme (4:30:08 AM): I don't really know what to say
PsylentNayte (4:30:29 AM): we have to keep what we have... please
Flayme (4:30:35 AM): if you feel like you shouldn't be here then don't come, I can't force you.
Flayme (4:30:55 AM): if you are uncomfortable about it then I can understand that
PsylentNayte (4:31:44 AM): im sorry this got way more complicated than it should've
Flayme (4:31:48 AM): ?
PsylentNayte (4:32:00 AM): just tonight in general
Flayme (4:32:48 AM): I tried to make up with you but it just felt like you didn't want ... well I don't know it just felt like there was this huge wall there and I didn't know what to do or say to you to make you feel better
PsylentNayte (4:33:47 AM): lets just forget tonight happened... can u do that?
PsylentNayte (4:34:00 AM): it'd just be better off that way
PsylentNayte (4:34:04 AM): we wont lose anything
PsylentNayte (4:34:16 AM): and that's key, cause I don't want to lose anything
Flayme (4:35:42 AM): thing is Nate, what do we have? I mean really. I love hanging out with you but I know eventually I'm gonna want more and I realized that tonight when you left and I couldn't stop myself from crying. I know you don't want that and I just don't know what to do cause I'm really confused. I want you in my life but it's so hard.
PsylentNayte (4:37:05 AM): I think we have a quality friendship.. and depending on how we came out of this, that could change...and I don't know what to say about you wanting more...
PsylentNayte (4:37:20 AM): maybe it's right what sherry said.. maybe it's cause you really only spend your time with me...
Flayme (4:38:20 AM): I don't know
Flayme (4:38:21 AM): maybe
Flayme (4:38:30 AM): maybe it doesn't matter
PsylentNayte (4:39:34 AM): true, maybe it doesn't
Flayme (4:39:57 AM): what do you want to do?
PsylentNayte (4:40:37 AM): I think that for now... the amount of time that I spend over there should be reduced... or spread throughout the week... days off in between so to speak
PsylentNayte (4:41:06 AM): and of course, some nights with a slumber party :-)
Flayme (4:41:11 AM): maybe
Flayme (4:41:13 AM): I dunno
PsylentNayte (4:41:28 AM): ok, well, that's what I think should happen...
PsylentNayte (4:41:32 AM): what do you think?
PsylentNayte (4:41:37 AM): we should find a happy medium
PsylentNayte (4:41:50 AM): if you don't know what you want right now.. take some time and think about it
Flayme (4:42:28 AM): I really don't know. I don't want to shut you out but I can feel every protective wall I have flying up.
Flayme (4:43:05 AM): I wanted to have sex with you tonight (trying to be funny.. in a way)
Flayme (4:43:58 AM): all I know is this is silly... this is so blown out of proportion comparant to what actually happened tonight
PsylentNayte (4:45:20 AM): yeah
PsylentNayte (4:45:33 AM): just a little too much
Flayme (4:45:50 AM): well I don't know what else to say
PsylentNayte (4:46:40 AM): ok... well, figure out exactly what you want.. cause if you feel that I shouldn't be there as much as I do.. then we have a problem
Flayme (4:49:30 AM): I do want to explain something though. When I say that I know that I'll want more, I'm not saying that I want to date you or anything like that. I just sometimes feel like you don't respect me, I mean I know that we are just friends but ... well example... the other night I gave you head and not 10 minutes later you were talking about another girl... it's doesn't necessarily bother my but I feel like I deserve you respect and I don't feel like I have that. I'm not saying you can't talk or be or do whatever you want it's just... well I guess it goes back to some of the things you say are hurtful and I'm rambling... my point is this. Please don't think that when I say I'll want more that I'm gonna all of a sudden want some grand declaration of love and commitment cause that is the farthest thing from my mind but please don't treat my like I don't matter either
PsylentNayte (4:51:04 AM): :-( sorry
Flayme (4:51:49 AM): it's fine it's just that, that night I still had the taste of your cum in my mouth and it was like I felt like a whore. Like all I am to you is a hole to stick you dick in and that's why I felt sick and got all nauseous (sp?)
PsylentNayte (4:53:26 AM): but see, that's not it at all.... I could do without all the sexual stuff, I mean, don't get me wrong, it's nice... but I don't have a strong drive...
Flayme (4:53:58 AM): then maybe it's best if it doesn't happen anymore
Flayme (4:55:13 AM): that's really not what I want but if it doedn't matter to you either way then maybe it's best
PsylentNayte (4:57:16 AM): if that's what you feel is best... I enjoy it... but maybe it shouldn't be every time im over
Flayme (4:57:23 AM): yeah right
Flayme (4:57:36 AM): we haven't had sex in like a week and a half
PsylentNayte (4:57:44 AM): im not just talking about sex
Flayme (4:57:47 AM): just because you get off all the time... well... lemme just stop there
PsylentNayte (4:57:58 AM): im talkin about head, kissing... etc..
PsylentNayte (4:58:07 AM): like, we never just plain old "chill"
Flayme (4:58:24 AM): is that what you want?
Flayme (4:58:32 AM): brb... need cig's
PsylentNayte (4:58:37 AM): I don't know what I want
PsylentNayte (4:58:37 AM): k
PsylentNayte (4:59:16 AM): I could deal with coming over there a few days a week, and only mess around 1 of those days
Flayme (4:59:33 AM): don't you think that fact that we have to have rules says something?
Flayme (5:00:22 AM): and if we do that then who gets to decide which day we mess around?
PsylentNayte (5:00:30 AM): whenever it happens
PsylentNayte (5:00:38 AM): I don't plan those things
PsylentNayte (5:00:43 AM): well, try not to
PsylentNayte (5:01:15 AM): when it happens it happens... when we both get the desire to be with the other
Flayme (5:02:32 AM): look, I can't be around you and not touch you. I can't just chill with you, I can't just not kiss you, not touch you. I mean yeah I can sometimes but to have to fight that all the time, whenever your around, to have to wait until you get the desire to do anything. I just don't know
PsylentNayte (5:06:00 AM): well, I mean, I can turn into a "chillable booty call"... I really don't know...there's just times that im not in the mood for anything physical...
Flayme (5:06:18 AM): yeah I noticed
Flayme (5:06:30 AM): like when you kicked me off the couch this morning
PsylentNayte (5:06:34 AM): and I can't do anything about that...
PsylentNayte (5:06:43 AM): no, I was just way uncomfortable this morning
PsylentNayte (5:06:46 AM): had nothing to do with that
PsylentNayte (5:07:03 AM): I love when you lay with me....
Flayme (5:07:15 AM): well it's not gonna happen anymore
Flayme (5:07:18 AM): I'm sorry
Flayme (5:07:20 AM): but it can't
PsylentNayte (5:07:23 AM): ok
Flayme (5:07:29 AM): I love it
Flayme (5:07:38 AM): but you can't have it both ways
PsylentNayte (5:07:56 AM): I was just saying that it wasn't that this morning
Flayme (5:08:11 AM): if you want us to just be friends who occasionally have sex that is fine but then that's all it is
PsylentNayte (5:08:29 AM): ok, that's fine
Flayme (5:08:47 AM): are you sure? I want you to remember this was your decision cause my attitude will change
Flayme (5:08:56 AM): how I act will change
PsylentNayte (5:09:11 AM): well I don't wanna be scowled at when I walk in the room
Flayme (5:09:17 AM): I'm not saying that
PsylentNayte (5:09:22 AM): :-P
Flayme (5:09:30 AM): I'm just saying that we don't act like just friends sometimes
Flayme (5:09:48 AM): and if that is truly what you want then you need to stick to that
PsylentNayte (5:10:13 AM): I can stick to it
Flayme (5:10:17 AM): fine
Flayme (5:10:57 AM): I however can't just turn of my emotions
Flayme (5:11:01 AM): so I'm gonna need some time
PsylentNayte (5:11:06 AM): that's fine
PsylentNayte (5:11:16 AM): with complete absence of me?
Flayme (5:11:21 AM): yes
Flayme (5:11:28 AM): I need to detach
Flayme (5:11:31 AM): I love you
Flayme (5:11:34 AM): I need to not
Flayme (5:11:48 AM): and that's gonna take some time
PsylentNayte (5:11:57 AM): no, you just don't need to display it all the time
Flayme (5:12:03 AM): if you wanna hang out that's fine
Flayme (5:12:08 AM): but no touching
Flayme (5:12:10 AM): at all
Flayme (5:12:21 AM): cause I'll just wanna be with you
PsylentNayte (5:12:22 AM): unless we're gonna have sex
Flayme (5:12:26 AM): no
Flayme (5:12:27 AM): no sex
Flayme (5:12:29 AM): not for a while
Flayme (5:12:37 AM): I can't
PsylentNayte (5:12:40 AM): k
Flayme (5:12:51 AM): we need to be just friends for a while
Flayme (5:13:07 AM): and as sad as I am to say this, I don't know if I'll ever sleep with you again
Flayme (5:13:11 AM): cause I feel too much when I do
PsylentNayte (5:13:16 AM): ok, then you call me when you think you're over it
PsylentNayte (5:13:18 AM): ok
PsylentNayte (5:13:19 AM): fine
PsylentNayte (5:13:25 AM): but to keep you as a friend, I'll do it
Flayme (5:13:27 AM): no it's really not fine
PsylentNayte (5:13:41 AM): you mean a lot...
Flayme (5:14:00 AM): gimmie a sec, myke's home
PsylentNayte (5:14:09 AM): k, brb as well
Flayme (5:14:21 AM): well I'm back but okl
Flayme (5:16:12 AM): thing is it's like all I want to do right now is be with you, to wrap myself up in you and just feel your presence
Flayme (5:16:56 AM): and my cigerettes are above the visor on the passenger side of your car
PsylentNayte (5:23:04 AM): oh
PsylentNayte (5:23:09 AM): I'll make sure I get em to ya
PsylentNayte (5:23:59 AM): and I know how you feel, cause there's some times that I feel that way too... I just wanna lay with you, hold you... be held.... your presence is unique... not like anyone else I know... and it's great.. but sometimes I just have a bunch of shit on my mind....
PsylentNayte (5:24:09 AM): and that it's not priority all the time
Flayme (5:24:32 AM): thing is I don't force myself on you
Flayme (5:24:36 AM): but sometimes I feel like it
PsylentNayte (5:25:17 AM): it's just sometimes I want to be held... sometimes I want to feel your lips against mine for hours... sometimes I want to feel you against me...
PsylentNayte (5:25:47 AM): sometimes I just want to taste your skin...
PsylentNayte (5:25:55 AM): I don't feel the same all the time...
Flayme (5:26:07 AM): we are supposed to be friends as dumb as that sounds, you make me feel like no one else has ever made me feel and when I look at you and talk to you I just feel happy. You make me happy and I can't explain why, I don't understand why
Flayme (5:26:15 AM): I do know what you mean
Flayme (5:26:17 AM): mean*
Flayme (5:26:27 AM): I don't always want to so things
Flayme (5:26:40 AM): sometimes I just want to be next to you
PsylentNayte (5:27:25 AM): the only time around you, that im not happy, are times like tonight...
PsylentNayte (5:27:30 AM): and it's always over stupid shit
Flayme (5:27:33 AM): yeah
Flayme (5:27:51 AM): I'm so beyond mad... I'm just so overwhelmingly sad right now
Flayme (5:28:04 AM): I can't even explain it
Flayme (5:29:00 AM): saying that I need space and can't see you is the last thing I want to do and I know for a fact that if that is what we do decide... that we won't see each other for a while.. I know it is going to be hard for me
PsylentNayte (5:30:22 AM): well, im content on the comfort things like holding each other and laying next to, I can do that anytime... but I just can't go for the sexual stuff all the time
Flayme (5:30:34 AM): do you feel like I pressure you?
Flayme (5:30:43 AM): cause sometimes that's how I feel
PsylentNayte (5:31:51 AM): I told you before, every girl that I've been with, seems to (in the end) just want sex.. and I know you aren't like that... sometimes I give in, cause I know that's what you want...
PsylentNayte (5:32:01 AM): and I always feel weird saying "no"
PsylentNayte (5:32:03 AM): I always have
Flayme (5:32:31 AM): to me sometimes it's not about sex, it's about being close to you. Sometimes when I feel like you are pushing me away I use sex
Flayme (5:32:57 AM): cause I know that in some way I turn you on and that maybe for a little while that it will make everything ok
PsylentNayte (5:33:25 AM): you turn me on a lot more than you think you prolly do...
PsylentNayte (5:33:55 AM): but if you "make me" get turned on.. like, try and get me in the mood when im not... it may work, but I may change subject completely afterwards
Flayme (5:34:10 AM): do I do that?
PsylentNayte (5:34:20 AM): have once or twice... not a lot
Flayme (5:34:25 AM): I'm sorry
PsylentNayte (5:34:27 AM): and I couldn't pick out the times you have
PsylentNayte (5:34:36 AM): it's cool hon, should've told you this a long time ago
PsylentNayte (5:35:08 AM): oh, (completely off the subject) you should totally try "hershey's milkshake cookies n cream chocolate milk"
Flayme (5:35:17 AM): I guess sometimes I feel slighted.. I'm not saying I don't LOVE going down on you but after I do it's like you completely shut me out sometimes... which .. well I dunno.
Flayme (5:35:26 AM): good?... sounds sorta yummy
PsylentNayte (5:35:31 AM): yeah... very good
PsylentNayte (5:35:42 AM): and yeah, that's what im talking about...
Flayme (5:35:54 AM): but you do that a lot
Flayme (5:35:58 AM): after sex
Flayme (5:36:02 AM): you change
Flayme (5:36:11 AM): you act, talk and treat me different
Flayme (5:36:33 AM): not always but a lot
PsylentNayte (5:37:10 AM): I never really know what to do/say after sex.. I've never just slept with someone, it's always been more than that...
Flayme (5:37:21 AM): see but to me
Flayme (5:37:25 AM): when we have sex
Flayme (5:37:28 AM): it is more than that
Flayme (5:37:31 AM): I'm not saying
PsylentNayte (5:37:35 AM): no no, that's not what I mean,
PsylentNayte (5:38:21 AM): I mean, it's been a relationship.. where afterwards, we'd just talk about "us" and how much we love eachother and stuff
PsylentNayte (5:38:24 AM): sappy I know
Flayme (5:38:27 AM): no it's not
Flayme (5:38:31 AM): I know what you mean
PsylentNayte (5:39:03 AM): *shrug* I don't know how else to explain, it's just different... has been for me... and you are a first in many areas for me
Flayme (5:39:08 AM): maybe I shouldn't have let you in so completely but it's something about you that makes me drop all my defences
PsylentNayte (5:39:11 AM): you're almost like a whole new world
Flayme (5:39:16 AM): believe me, I know what you mean
PsylentNayte (5:39:20 AM): k
Flayme (5:39:22 AM): I'm new to this
Flayme (5:39:29 AM): I've been with myke for 10 years
Flayme (5:39:56 AM): none of this is easy for me, it's all new to me
Flayme (5:40:09 AM): brb... drinking jack... must go br
PsylentNayte (5:40:48 AM): k
PsylentNayte (5:40:59 AM): we just have to talk more about how we feel....
PsylentNayte (5:41:08 AM): but I gotta go... roommate wants computer back
PsylentNayte (5:41:14 AM): and has wanted it back for a while
PsylentNayte (5:41:17 AM): :-P
PsylentNayte (5:41:22 AM): they all bow to me
PsylentNayte (5:41:28 AM): so it's ok
Flayme (5:41:32 AM): oh
Flayme (5:41:36 AM): well ok
Flayme (5:41:50 AM): I was gonna see if you wanted to come over.. but I gues it is sorta late
PsylentNayte (5:42:00 AM): I promise that I will talk to you about this more tomorrow... yeah, im about to crash
Flayme (5:42:05 AM): I just wanna see you and not be all mad specially if it's gonna be a while
PsylentNayte (5:42:06 AM): too much thinking made my head hurt
Flayme (5:42:13 AM): yeah crying gave me a headache
PsylentNayte (5:42:18 AM): you want me to come over after school tomorrow?
Flayme (5:42:31 AM): it's up to you
Flayme (5:42:33 AM): if you want to
PsylentNayte (5:42:36 AM): k, I'll be there
Flayme (5:42:40 AM): I wanna be with you
Flayme (5:42:47 AM): honestly
Flayme (5:42:50 AM): that's all I want
PsylentNayte (5:42:50 AM): is emotional contact still allowed tomorrow?
PsylentNayte (5:43:01 AM): cause I know I'll want a hug
Flayme (5:43:04 AM): yeah
PsylentNayte (5:43:09 AM): k
PsylentNayte (5:43:25 AM): well then, until tomorrow my fair lady
PsylentNayte (5:43:28 AM): *bows*
Flayme (5:43:31 AM): night hun
Flayme (5:43:34 AM): sleep well
PsylentNayte (5:43:34 AM): sweet dreams
PsylentNayte (5:43:36 AM): you too
Flayme (5:43:40 AM): I'll try
PsylentNayte (5:43:52 AM): don't let the bed bugs bite
Flayme (5:44:00 AM): if they do hit um with a shoe
Flayme (5:44:01 AM): :-P
PsylentNayte (5:44:04 AM): lol
PsylentNayte (5:44:08 AM): never heard that b4
Flayme (5:44:11 AM): yeah it goes
Flayme (5:44:18 AM): don't let the bed bugs bite
Flayme (5:44:20 AM): if they do
Flayme (5:44:23 AM): hit um with a shoe
Flayme (5:44:25 AM): save one for me
Flayme (5:44:29 AM): and I'll save one for you
PsylentNayte (5:44:35 AM): lol
Flayme (5:44:37 AM): lol
Flayme (5:44:42 AM): there is more but I forget
Flayme (5:44:47 AM): it's actually cute
PsylentNayte (5:44:52 AM): yeah, sounds it :-)
Flayme (5:44:54 AM): but I'll let ya go
Flayme (5:44:57 AM): and hun
Flayme (5:44:59 AM): question
PsylentNayte (5:45:03 AM): yeah. they're tapping their feet...
PsylentNayte (5:45:04 AM): sure
Flayme (5:45:05 AM): well you .. if you want... no pressue
Flayme (5:45:13 AM): can we .. ya know.. tomorrow
Flayme (5:45:15 AM): maybe?
PsylentNayte (5:45:29 AM): im not gonna promise
PsylentNayte (5:45:41 AM): but it's definatly a possibility ;-)
Flayme (5:45:45 AM): lol
Flayme (5:45:56 AM): no pressure... just want to
Flayme (5:45:59 AM): *shrug*
PsylentNayte (5:46:01 AM): understood
Flayme (5:46:03 AM): night hun
PsylentNayte (5:46:06 AM): 'night

Hey everyone!

2003-10-03T19:48:48Z

So I finally got a good bit of stuff in my ebay store and I'm listing more every day so like come buy shit cause I'm poor and I'll like be your best friend or something :-P

My Ebay Store!!!

Happy Birthday to me!

2003-09-12T22:25:16Z

For those of you that don't know, today is my birthday. So far I would have to say that it was been one of the best birthday's I've had in years...

Last night Nate called me at exactly midnight to wish me a happy birthday, which I thought was so incredibly sweet. He got here about 12:15 and we hung out for a while had a drink, watched tv and basically just chilled. Around 2:30 or so he got a call from an old friend of his who me he hadn't seen in a while so we ended up going to go visit him which was really fun. I got to meet Nate's ex-roommate Chrissy (she's very nice) and meet his friend Neal whom was hitting on me hardcore. So we all sat out of the balcony and smoked a couple bowls and laughed a lot. Gave the dude my number cause he was kinda cool to chill with then we headed down to palmyra so Nate could pick up some clothing, ended up his roommate was there sleeping (he thought the house was empty) so we didn't stay long. Although he is forever tellin me how his bed is so wicked comfortable so while we were there I laid down for a few minutes... it's thee most comfortable bed I've ever laid on. I seriously didn't want to get up. Hmm... so after that we drove back to my place, chilled and got waaaaaaaaayyyyy baked then we were supposed to go for munchies but I thought I heard Nate say, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then we will go. So I'm chillin in the office waiting for him to come out.... he doesn't come out... so I'm like... well maybe he's having issues so I sit down and start playing some online game and like 40 minutes later I'm like... ya know... maybe he isn't in the bathroom... I got downstairs and he's crashed on the couch. I dunno, I found that funny. So I laid on the couch with him for a little while and then got up cause I wasn't tired... stayed up and fucked around till like 1... slept till 5:30 and now I'm going to go smoke a bowl and enjoy the rest of my birthday...

jyni77 @ 2003-08-31T06:15:00

2003-08-31T10:15:21Z

Can someone do a LJ Layout for me... i'm so over this plain black crap.

Pleeeeeeeeeaaaasssseeee..... i'll be your best friend. :-)

jyni77 @ 2003-08-30T21:23:00

2003-08-31T01:23:06Z

Sherry came over around 8 last night, we were going to go up to Harrisburg to watch the fireworks and just hang out on the island but then Nate messaged me about coming over. Once he got her the 3 of us hung out and we were trying to find some weed which proved impossible so we decided we were going to go have a few drinks and then come back here and watch a movie. So around 10 we ended up going to the G-man up the road. About 10 minutes after we got there these 2 guys (Larry & wally) came up to our table to say hi to sherry, turns out she knew them from years and years ago. They ended up joining us for a round of drinks and they asked us if we wanted to meet them down at this other bar cause friends of theirs were playing there. So after we finished out drinks we went back to my house, parked the car and walked to this other bar to meet up with them. When we got there it was pretty crowded so we headed for a booth in the back, Larry sat down with us and bought everyone a round of drinks. So we sat and listened to the band for about 15 minutes when Wally comes over with a round of Mass Confustions, we drink those down and for whatever reason this bar has last call at 12:45 so we decided that we weren't done drinking and wanted to go and hit last call up at the G-man... so me, nate, sherry and larry pile into his truck and head back down there and had another round of Mass Confusions and some other drinks for last call. Around 2 they started kicking everyone out and we decide we are all just way too fucked up to drive home so we

Shit i gotta get a shower, nate is gonna be here soon... i'll finish this entry later... It was major fun, including lesbian action and lotsa sex...

snif

2003-08-24T20:29:05Z

I keep trying to start an entry and I can't seem to find the words for all that has happened in the last few weeks.
I'll start with the boring stuff...

I'm officially starting school again. I have already started online business classes which is pretty much boring but I'm taking classes focused on running a small business so I'll be better prepared for opening my shop back up in the future. I also signed up for massage therapy classes which start the 22nd of September. I'm really nervous, I know it is something I love doing but what if doing it for a living sucks? I guess I shall find out. I ended up having to take out loans for school which REALLY sucks cause I have NO idea how I'm going to make the payments. I guess I'm hoping for some sort of miracle, it seems though that things have a way of working out when you really need them to.

Onto my love life, for lack of a better term. I have been seeing Nate a lot the last two weeks. Even more so this last week cause Jeremiah is in California and I have a bit more alone time. He is an amazing guy, I can't even explain it. We aren't dating for the few people who called him my boyfriend. We are friends, who happen to LOVE making out and occasionally that leads to sex. I just really enjoy spending time with him, we've discussed the possibility that we are getting addicted to each other... I'm not addicted, yet, but it would be so easy to end up in that place. I can't help it, it's the way he laughs and the way everything he feels he puts into his kiss. He has more passion than anyone I have ever met in my entire life. Well, whatever we call it, it's a lot of fun and I'm going to try and enjoy it while it lasts.

Speaking of which... he's gonna be here soon and I need to shower... so off I go...

Forgot to add this... House of 1,000 Corpses is out on video, i rented it, it freaked me out.. it wasn't scary, just gooooooory.

Super Puzzle Fighter is the coolest game EVER!!!!

2003-08-18T18:30:19Z

OMG... I was just sitting here writing an update when out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving... I look down and there is a HUGE gross looking spider crawling from the keyboard up onto my hand... EWWWWWW

all right I'll update later cause I feel like someone hit me with a car

He called me AMAZING!!!!

2003-08-14T15:43:31Z

View Poll: Freddy Vs. Jason

La La La

2003-08-08T06:54:24Z

I love my friends....

On the Verge?

2003-08-08T04:32:56Z

All right tonight jay came over and we decided that since we didn't have any weed so we were going to try SD again and see what happened. Welllllll...... It didn't go so good, I mean it was fun but well... here is what my tattered memory can recall.

So we decide we are gonna smoke this and last time we tried it we used a bong thingie and nothing happened. So this time he rolled a joint and we started smoking that. While we were smoking it I would feel like it was starting to do something but then it wasn't. so we decided to put some in a bowl and smoke that, we did and I started feeling sorta drunk, like my movements felt like I was drinking, so I sat down on the floor and this is where it all gets quite confusing...

After I sat on the floor I think I took another hit but I'm not positive, I remember putting the bowl on the floor and ash falling out but it didn't really matter. I was just spacey, like I just wanted to sit with my eyes closed and enjoy the feeling of complete relaxation. As I was sitting there I know I had some weird idea about what was going on, I can't really remember exactly what it was though, so we were sitting there me on the floor, jay in the chair, in the dark with the TV on (bad idea, it was annoying me). At some point around here I started feeling like there was someone else in the room, that sounds completely ODD but it was like, I was there, and jay was there but there was another me or something... it was VERY VERY VERY confusing. I believe at this point Jeremiah asked me something and I know I was talking to him and in my own mind I sounded completely relaxed and rational but he was like you sound like I did last time (last time his voice got all weird for a little while and he was mumbling) but I seriously thought I was talking normally, I was trying to explain something important to him... something I was thinking about when I was sitting on the floor with my eyes closed... but I can't for the life of me remember now what it was. Then all of a sudden he was sitting on the floor with me, but I don't remember him actually moving.
So then I was ok and started to calm down again and when I closed my eyes it was like everything disappeared, I couldn't hear the TV, I forgot jay was there and I was just thinking about things, I can't remember what but it was like I knew if I kept thinking that I would remember something I had forgotten a long time ago... which sounds absolutely moronic. So then jay started talking to me... something about the lighter... I FREAKED out and started laughing like a crazy person, I couldn't stop, everything was so funny, the fact that he was yelling at me to shut up and stop laughing made me laugh harder, the look on his face, I think I asked him to stop yelling but I dunno if I did cause I was just laughing hysterically. Then he smacked me across the face, which I found to be EXTERMEMLY funny till I broke out in a sweat... I'm not talking a little clamminess, I'm talking full on sweat like you get when you have a really really bad fever and it breaks, I was just dripping... it was quite gross... Oh yeah... the lighter, I dunno if he was asking e where it was or what but I moved thinking I was sitting on it, or it was behind me and I like sat down by his feet and like when I moved it was like the confusion pretty much went away and I just felt a little weird and for some ODD reason I decide to curl up by his feet ... like in the fetal position... I just wanted everything to be quiet... I can't explain it.. it was like I was in and out of the experience. I kept forgetting jay was there and when I'd realize it, it would freak me out that I could forget... I dunno... it was quite odd.

Anyway, after I curled up he was like WTF... and I was like...I don't know and my buzz just STOPPED... like instantly.
All in all I would have to say it was a good experience even if it didn't go very well. So after that we both had a cigarette and then jay jammed... I think he's mad at me, like that's the feeling I got... I hope not... (I wuv you hun!!! Don't be cranky with me!)

So I've decided that I am going to get more of it but I am going to do what my friend told me to do in the first place... sit in a quiet place and smoke by myself with someone there who is sober and just be quiet and enjoy it... then the other person can do it. I do like the fact it doesn't last long at all... like all this even the smoking was only about 30 minutes....

jyni77 @ 2003-08-07T00:01:00

2003-08-07T04:01:08Z

he's got a thing about losing control
carries it a mile just to see how far he'll go
he brushes up his chops as he tries to fake a smile
a friend indeed but what I need is someone who'll stay a while
someone to stay a while
you can bend my ear
we will talk all day
just make sure I'm around
when you've finally got somethin to say
he drops hints but he won't tell you what's really on his mind
but I know if I look that it's easy to find
he's got a way with his anger and the way he lets it show
like the smoldering smoke when the fire's left the coals
you can take me down
you can show me your home
not the place where you live
but the place where you belong
you can bend my ear
we will talk all day
just make sure I'm around
when you've finally got something to say
his door is always open and he's always got the time
to give a little somethin even though he gets behind
and your trips become his and your lives are entwined
but like the horse with the junkie it's all in your mind
it's all in your mind
you can take me down
you can show me your home
not the place where you live
but the place where you belong
you can bend my ear
we will talk all day
just make sure I'm around
when you've finally got something to say

jyni77 @ 2003-08-05T16:58:00

2003-08-05T20:58:27Z

All right so fernzola did this and I figured what the heck I'll do it again and see what people have to say....

I want EVERYONE, no matter how much or how little you know me to post ANONYMOUSLY and tell me EXACTLY what you think of me. Whether good or bad.
Yes, that even includes you, Jeremiah.

You're so Vain

2003-08-05T16:43:10Z

I love you. When you push me away, I love you still. If we never talked again you'd forever hold a place in my heart. I will never forget the things that we have done together. And even though you would never admit it I know you feel the same. I know you love me even as you build up the wall between us.
I look at you and this overwhelming sadness fills me cause I can see how much you hold inside. I can feel the war going on inside you, the want to share with someone but not trusting anyone enough to see the real you. Maybe you think we will feel differently about you if you let us see the real you. I can feel you cutting me out of your life. How you look at me and I can see the sadness in your eyes. When we talk I can feel the distance between us growing and pulling us in different directions.
I don't know if you will ever truly realize how absolutely in love I am with you, how much the time I've spent with you affected my life, all the things that I've learned from you - both good and bad. I will treasure every memory and hold it close to me.

jyni77 @ 2003-08-04T07:14:00

2003-08-04T11:14:09Z

I'm feeling detached this morning. I can't seem to focus my thoughts so I hoped writing them down might help.

I'm fighting with myke... why is this a big deal? I don't know, but it is.
I'm going to write all about it and can you guys tell me if I'm being irrational or not.. ok?

The other day I found out that myke hasn't been shipping my ebay auctions, now this wouldn't be a problem but I suggest him letting me use the car and go to the post office and he says no. So, I tell him that he needs to ship everything out, has he done it... nope! I mean granted, he did ship some out but there are about 15 auctions down stairs that have been paid for that he hasn't sent, most of them aren't boxed cause he said he doesn't have any boxes, I say fine, would you like me to go to the store to get some boxes... no, I'll go later. I don't want you using the car. GRRRRRR... Now the only problem with his logic is that there are about 4 that ARE boxed, labled and ready to go but those are here too. So now I have about 10 emails from people repeatedly bitching about why their item hasn't arrived and I have to make up an excuse as to why.

So this sorta started my none happy bunny feelings towards him.

So Friday night he says he'll be home by midnight to help me go through the attic and get things ready to take to the flea market. Now, I don't know where ANYTHING is up there as I've been up there maybe 4 times in the last 6 years cause he says he doesn't want me making things unorganzinzed. Well needless to say, he didn't show up till 4AM on Saturday morning. I have everything I can get ready downstairs in the living room, I ask him if he would rather me help him box up auctions or help me go upstairs so that I can get stuff for the flea market.
Well he doesn't want to do either... he grabs like 4 boxes outta the attic and says ... there, and goes to bed.

Since he went to bed I can't go up in the attic (the door is in the bedroom), I can't clean (he'll wake up) so I basically CANT DO ANYTHING... and go to bed.
Around 11:3AM I wake him up (I had insomnia and couldn't fall asleep), he gets up, calls his uncle and goes to spend the day there. He does grab me a few more boxes of stuff which was cool so no big deal, he also gave me some broken Atari shit and some model rockets he got at the auction and told me to sell those and whatever I get I can keep. This was really nice, I said thank you.

Well about 8PM Sherry comes over, we repack all the boxes as none of the ones that were down there were packed well and didn't have lids or anything. We repacked all the books (about 650) and my cd's (300) and alllllll the other stuff into better boxes (she brought some) and me her and cliff start to pack her jeep up.
We get about 85% done and myke shows up and helps us finish. Great, that was nice. We all hang out for a bit in the living room and then sherry and I's friend Kurt showed up and we decided to watch a movie to kill time till we have to go to bed. Myke doesn't watch with us, he goes to sleep. I've now been up close to 48 hours. So kurt and I smoke a nice fat joint and the 4 of us (kurt, me, sherry and cliff) watch Daredevil which is BTW a REALLLLY good movie. The movie was longer than we expected so after it was over we send kurt and cliff on their way and I try and wake myke as he was supposed to help us set up. He gets up...sorta... says he'll meet us there. We jump in the jeep and head for the flea (it's about 4AM).

We get there and have NO flashlight to setup (myke was supposed to have it in his car) we start unloading the jeep.... myke shows up... minus the flash light. We ask him to please set up the tent thing (like a canopy type tent thing) as we don't know how. As he does this, sherry and I unpack the rest of the truck and start setting up the stand. We then help him finish setting up the tent and as soon as it was setup he starts to leave... we ask him to please bring us breakfast and some water (we were gonna stop on the way but because we were running late we couldn't) he says ok and leaves to go wonder the flea market. About 45 minutes later he shows up... no water... no food... oh I forgot. We have has NOTHING to drink yet... since we left the house and I can't leave the stand cause sherry doesn't know what to ask for stuff and like it was dark still and we were still putting stuff on tables and shit... and selling stuff... crazy collector people shopping at 5:30AM... So another 25 minutes or so go by and he shows up with water (YAY!) and we preceded to drink both bottles (lol) and he also brought us a ham and cheese sandwich... it's like 6AM... I don't want ham and cheese... I am also cranky as I'm going on 3 days awake... I was like.. .could you please take this money (I hand him money) and go into that building (points to the building over across the way) and get us some fucking BREAKFAST FOOD!!!! He rolls his eyes and leaves. About an hour later he shows up with eggs and bacon and stuff.... he then says he's going home to sleep since he only got 3 hours of sleep (awww, how sad for him).

Sherry and I work the stand all day... we made close to 300 bucks, it pretty much rocked. Well around 10 I called myke and asked when he was coming back down as we could use a bathroom break and a stretch of the legs as we were both falling asleep... he says... well I'll be there in about an hour ... the kicker is.. he WASN'T sleeping, he was just vegging around the house and we only live 3 fucking miles away from the flea market!!! AN HOUR?!?!?!?!

Anyway, he finally shows up around 11:30 but informs me that he needs to go into the one building to talk to this dude bill whose stand he sometimes helps out at (he gets paid in video game stuff). I was like.. NO!
You fucking stay here for a little bit.. I want to walk around... and me and sherry leave

I felt sorta bad but my uncle was there and I wanted to go see my niece who was at their stand and also so my aunt. (plus my uncle stopped by and gave me a packed bowl and I needed to give him his bowl back... empty of course :-) ) So Sherry and I walk around for a good 45 minutes... went to the bathroom, got a strawberry smoothie to split and just had fun walking around flirting with guys and looking at junk. We also went over and hung with my uncle who had some really cool stuff... I got a 1940's black hat from him it has the little veil and all.. it's so cute.

We walk back over to our stand (which you could actually see from my uncles as a lot of people had packed up) and my niece Jessica came with us. We stopped and talked to myke who was sorta packing the truck but he wasn't repacking the boxes, he was like throwing shit in. Well we help him finish packing... he didn't put the tables in first... tried to put them in last and because he didn't repack everything into the boxes we couldn't fit everything into her jeep... surprising as we fit EVERYTHING in on the way there and we sold 300 bucks worth of stuff... you'd think it would fit... here after we unpacked at home I realized he left ALLL the empty boxes in the truck (rolls eyes) and packed on top of them instead of taking them out. So I go to start taking the tent down and he starts leaving... I'm like where are you going? He said I'm going to get the car (so we could put the rest of the stuff in it) go help bill at his stand... I was like WTF NO you need to help me get these stakes outta the ground... he just leaves so I wasn't sure if he was coming back or not. Although after that I was so mad I pulled all the stakes out of the ground in like 5 seconds... I just walked around and was like..yank, yank, yank... even though I had tried a second ago to do it and couldn't... heheh.. So anyway, we take the tent completely apart and he shows up and starts folding the canopy. We put the tent and the tables in the car and me and sherry leave. I guess he went to bills stand.. I really don't know, I just didn't wanna wait for him when we could leave.

Anyway, sherry and I come back here and watch Catch me if you can (also a good movie) and just relax, I smoked the bowl my uncle gave me (good stuff) and basically vegged. He comes home and goes to bed about 30 minutes into the movie. After the movie, I crash till 5AM Monday when I get up and come in here to check my email. I find a TON of emails from people bitching and find out someone reported us to EBay for fraud cause he hasn't sent the boxes. He is up so I decide to yell.. I'm pissed, I'm cranky and I'm tired of it... we fight.. he brings up the fact he gave me that stuff to sell.. I throw 50 bucks at him (which is what all his shit went for) and we haven't spoken since. He's sleeping.

I'm just so fucking tired of him but maybe I am being irrational. I don't know

sigh

2003-07-31T09:23:00Z

Happy, very happy.

Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground

2003-07-28T08:17:40Z

Today was a good day even in it's simplicity. I didn't do much all day, some ebay stuff and I made some catch up phone calls to family and friends. Darius called me around 9 and asked about hooking up, I declined as I have things I needed to do.
Around 11 Nate came online and I was talking to him. I invited him over to catch a little buzz and just hang out. Both agreeing we'd be good. I jump in the shower and he gets here about 1 or so. It was so fun, we sat and talked, caught a niiiiiiice buzz and watched that stupid movie "Loser".
It's so frustrating hanging out with him though cause it's like it's not enough. We were sitting here tonight, me on the chair and him on the floor in front of me and I was playing with his hair and he had his eyes closed and his head like leaned on my chest, I started running my fingernails down his neck and onto his chest (button down shirt... I asked him to wear one the next time we hung out (that was like a while ago and he remembered) ). Well anyway, he was like moaning a little bit and rubbing my legs and it was just SOOOOO hot. I can't even explain it but like we aren't kissing or doing anything really but yet it's such a turn on.

hahahha... rambling..

Joel is coming over after work tomorrow so we can chill, should be fun he's a real fun guy to hang out with.

All right I need to get some shit done before myke gets home from work.

:-)

2003-07-28T01:32:09Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLIFF!!!!!!

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